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The Meh of Multiplayer: Bioshock 2

February 24, 2010

It all started out kindly- I had finished my second sojourn through Rapture with a smidgen of optimism and left the single player experience pleasantly, if not complacently, aplomb with enthusiasm. There is no need to review what is already a gluttonous monster of Gamestop’s sales, as there is little need to attach the accolades of its predecessor to its already self-congratulating box art. However, there is another side of the Rapture experience that exhumes some of the pomp and circumstance from Ken Levine’s first masterpiece and then, like a hardcore Splicer addict, whittles away the soul of your very gaming experience into a horrific hallucination of what happens when video games decide to eat their young. This is essentially what happens 15 hours into the BioShock Multiplayer experience.

The headsets were afire with conversation the first few hours I sat down and got used to killing real people in Rapture. Many mature gamers seemed to be “oohing and ahhing” the detail put into the familiar and moody environments. Many of us were in accordance while playing Civil War that 2K and Digital Extremes had done it right. The controls felt fluid at first and the loadout system seemed to be more streamlined that MW2. The game types had taken the typical and thrown a few Big Daddies and Little sisters into the mix, creating a sense of dread and urgency that most multiplayer other than CoD is missing. In fact, its the very lack of innovative multiplayer on consoles (PCs are exempt from this disease) that has kept MW2 and Halo at the very top of the food chain. Remember Prey’s multiplayer when you could walk on the ceiling or walls and teleport everywhere? Nor does anyone else- because rarely are MP tack-ons given a chance to escape their own undeveloped, sickly placentas. To be wowed by the MP of BioShock 2 seemed an impossibly difficult task. And yet, as I dug my fingers into my controller and put in some serious time, exploring every nook/cranny/secret passage/vent shaft/dead-end in the maps of The Fall of Rapture, I was convinced this might be the next big online place to be seen.

First thing I noticed is how much shit there is to trip on- whether its a corner of a stair or a poorly placed rock, Rapture is full of places to get stuck. Obviously, once you learn the maps it gets easier but should you take a stroll in the games, be sure to watch your step. It doesn’t help that “Jump” is mapped to the top button but a quick flip on the custom settings can map your controller better to fit your cramping hands needs. Second thing I noticed is how confusing the maps are for the first few hours; many have closed doors which require either a quick bolt or your arrival to open. Certain walls and vents need to be melee’d to open other rooms and there are plenty of hiding spots which create some bad camping moments, especially in either variation of Adam Grab. I would mention the “sweet spot” here, but too many already know of it and its a dog kicker. Throw a bunch of doors that look like they should open but don’t, and you have a lot of corner sulking wallflowers in the early games.

But despite a few hiccups, Rapture was a welcome to change to the tactical breathless pace of MW2 and mouth breathing homophobia of Halo 3 at first. Sure, they’re might not be a lot of maps, but they’re all winners from a design standpoint and take you deep into the lore of the Fall of Rapture. Each player’s preffered character has their own apartment, wardrobe, weapons and recorded history which unlocks as you progress. You earn experience for all the Adam amass during a match through Kills, assists, vials, hacks and Big Daddy related tasks. Being restricted to 3 loadouts proves irksome later in the game as you pile up the tonics and weapon variations, but it also keeps it fluid. And the game variations grasped what works and threw a few much need Rapture wrenches into the mix. Instead of Capture the Flag, its Capture the Sister, in which each team tries to steal away the homicidal Adam suckling from the other. The defending team is awarded a Big Daddy in the beginning which makes for some fun initial assault scenarios. The key change in this game type is so much the design as it is the rule- Once you pick up the little sister and drop her, she doesn’t go running back to the original base. She stays right where you left her, crying and angry. Other nuances like hacking turrets, sabotaging vending machines and grabbing damage bonuses through researching fallen foes really create a unique and fun multiplayer experience. Plop the ability to grab a game-changing Big Daddy suit in the “Civil War” death matches and it all begins to weigh out like a shitton of fun.

Unfortunately, this elation is short lived. After grinding for hours in an effort to climb the seemingly forgiving level ladder, I was plagued with constant freeze ups, spastic lag and an unparalleled furor over the matchmaking process that resulted in several exceptionally painful aortic aneurysms. Welcome to Rapture, indeed. Message boards are drowning in their own weight with complaints on all platforms about the lag, menu delays, skull smashing freeze ups and the unbalanced gameplay around level 20. (Big Daddy, Insect Swarm and Electro Bolt are particular spots of contention) I made it to level 27 before throwing in the towel due to frustration of mix-matched teams, repetitive plasmid and tonic combos and overall ennui with the gameplay glitches. It is an unfortunate irony- 2K brought on Digital Extremes to craft a robust multi-player from scratch, not interfereing with the Single Player development whatsoever and ended up with a game that starts as an exhilirating dive to into Rapture and results in a drain-circling harrumph into Apathy.

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Dita and Fawkes: Moving to New Vegas

February 4, 2010

Excerpt from "The Misadventures of Dita and Fawkes Vol. 3"

Looks like the humdrum, shut-in life of Dita and Fawkes in Megaton is over because they’re moving to Sin City! Today Bethesda titillated the couple by announcing the new realm for their ever misguided adventures. Judging from what they did to recreate and utterly decimate Washington D.C., there is little doubt that there will be ample excitement for the orgy loving, headhunting, scrap collecting and degenerate gambling couple in the neon soaked, post-apocalyptic playground of Las Vegas. But knowing Dita and Fawkes, packing is going to be a bitch. Expect to see hilarious new installations in the unofficial Fallout 3 comic “The Misadventures of Dita and Fawkes” again this spring as they clean the house in Megaton of all the shit they’ve accrued over the last few years. There are plenty of loose ends to tie up, including “the incident” on Mothership Zeta which Dita has yet to confess to Fawkes.

But until then, we must we sit on our mutant thumbs and endure this teaser trailer which hit the web wide this morning. Be sure to wonder what kind of man the soldier with the red glowing skull is (Sagittarius? Capricorn?) and what kind of atrocity the “Blue Moon” humming servos are covering up. The dreadful burial gives new meaning to the phrase “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.”

Bethesda posted the following on their Fallout 3 official website this morning:

“Experience all the sights and sounds of fabulous New Vegas, brought to you by Vault-Tec, America’s First Choice in Post Nuclear Simulation. Explore the treacherous wastes of the Great Southwest from the safety and comfort of your very own vault: Meet new people, confront terrifying creatures, and arm yourself with the latest high-tech weaponry as you make a name for yourself on a thrilling new journey across the Mojave wasteland. A word of warning, however – while Vault-Tec engineers have prepared for every contingency,* in Vegas, fortunes can change in an instant. Enjoy your stay.”

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Conjugal Game Visits: From Didi Mau to Diablo II

April 23, 2009
"Didi Mau, Motherfucker! Say it!"

"Mom! Jeffy is pulling that Didi Mau shit again! Make him stop!!"

For a few months, I have been promising my loyal friends/ readers a diatribe on the effects of certain pain medicines whilst playing video games. The intrinsic element behind my thesis was to explore the reward systems as doled out by each game. I found that motion sickness played a huge role in the first few weeks of my new addiction to Percocet, which was serving as the relief to my recently opened elbow. You see, on Jan. 27th, I found myself without the use of my right arm. This posed a certain inconvenience as that is my preferred arm to masturbate/game/shoot pictures and slap hookers with. Suddenly, I realized I would be trapped in front of the TV unless I could find a game that only required one hand to play. I know what you’re thinking- But “Russian Roulette” is no longer a viable form of living room entertainment according to my wife. (Deer Hunter was cool a looong time ago, folks. ) Instead, I was sequestered to my bed, hopped up on pill-sized heroin and dilligently solving the cases of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney on the DS. A friend had dropped off some sadistic games for my recovery and I quickly discovered that Phoenix Wright barely required anything other than reading to complete. That, and a total desertion of ethics and rational thought processes, but I digress…. I emjoyed it with my left hand as much as the two handed gamers before me. As I began to heal ever so slowly, I was waned from the toxic shock of Percocet into a steady diet of Vicodin, Soma and an anti-inflammatory that shred my liver into paste. This was a territory I was familiar with- Last year, I had torn a abdominal muscle while attmempting to kickbox with the wife with our trainer. I was bedridden for months while the doctors tried to find out what was wrong with my gut. They prescribed Tramadol, Darvoset, and some other horrible synthetic that kept me at bay with any game containing 3D graphics or motion. It was at that point I became addicted to Sony’s evil collectible interactive card game “Eye of Judgment.” I  attempted to return to other games within that time frame, but after throwing up for a half hour while taking on the final boss in “Shadow of the Colossus”, it became clear that my tolerance for any sort of excitement was at an all-time low. I kept that in mind as I again attempted to game while under the spell of a steady stream of Vicodin and other “healing” aids and began popping discs in every console, trying to find satisfaction. The results were abysmal. Regardless of the 360′s gamer points system or PS3′s trophies, I found very little satisfaction in finding every location in Fallout 3, or completing most of GTA IV. Even FFXII gave me a headache. I just couldn’t find anything that gave me the simple pleasure of looting and levelling like a small game from my past. But I couldn’t go back to 1999, could I? My PC days have given way to my Mac Pro, and God knows no games have ever been ported to that behemoth. Or so I was led to believe until I read that Diablo 3 would be available on Mac and PC. Wait, what?!?

Gimme yer Loot!

"Oops...I did it again."

It was from that moment last winter that a wonderful sense of purpose began infecting the back of my medulla with such conviction that I began exasperating that every game was crap and I just couldn’t enjoy it. After a little google search, I was keen to find out that my favorite game on the PC was available for my Mac, and by digital download, nonetheless. I looked over my shoulder for about three months, seeking the opportunity when my wife wouldn’t discover I was buying a game made by those “World of Warcraft” home wreckers and finally last week, purchased what I believe to be the most rewarding game of all time: Diablo II.

It’s a simple principle that keeps me coming back to Diablo II. Its called “map radomization” and its something that no one cares to write the algorithims for anymore. Granted it will resurface in the rainbow colored Diablo 3, but from then until now, no one has accomplished this feat of keeping the players invigorated and invested in a dungeon video game for so long. The gameplay is so simple and fluid that it’s near impossible not to understand why this game has lasted as long as Starcraft. The mere notion that there is endless amounts of rare loot and gear combinations available with Runes, gems and jewels keeps me coming back. This reinforces my belief that by creating collectibles and rare randomized items in a game are the key to virtual longevity. Encountering a new mini-boss everytime you venture outside the village is as exciting as it is thrilling. Especially when you link up with other players and watch the difficulty ramp itself up so high that the game feels fresh yet again. Granted, I have never played World of Warcraft and never will. I am happily married and proactive in my career and plan on keeping that way- but I do know that the dungeons aren’t randomized nor does it play as simply as Diablo II. And for a guy that’s hopped up on Vicodin and THC, that’s very important. For as these drugs begin to take hold, its important that I don’t have to make too much of an effort and that I am amply rewarded. It’s clear I could blow the makers at Blizzard all night, but instead I need to feed my inner Demon and go a looting.

Next Month: Fellow writers from GamesareEvil and I will explore the innerparty system of Diablo 2 and argue in-game if it still is the GREATEST RPG of all time.

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The Misadventures of Dita and Fawkes pt. II: A Gob Story

April 23, 2009

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Deflating the Rover’s Tires: Curbing the Hype for Mass Effect 2

February 23, 2009

The Truth about Mass Effect

I am alone in the universe. I have searched far and wide for another voice that will join my chorus but only my wife agrees: Mass Effect was BORING and BROKEN. To all the fans, I ask you not to think of me as a hater or malcontent, but rather as a fan of Bioware who was put through the paces and didn’t stop playing ME until it was finished one week later. KOTOR 1 and 2 are still in my favorite RPGs list. The problem is that I couldn’t get past certain mechanics and nuances that others felt contributed to a truly original experience.

To them, I say “I’ve played way more Moon Patrol than you and it was never fun.”

I mean, was I the only one who felt like combat was totally wonky, with aiming and AI totally on the fritz? The environs were too sparse, as well as yawn worthy large; And every base was a carbon copy of the one on any of the other barren planets. Of course there were highlights like the dialogue tree and lesbo love, but any sidequest resembled rehashed nonsense that only slowed the pace of an otherwise interesting game. And the screen tearing? Don’t get me started. Its something I begrudgingly accept in any graphics heavy game. But should it distract me every time I turn a corner or look around? And while I know that the PC version fixed the menu, that means we got screwed that much more. Draw-in was snap, crackle, pop too.

Now it’s key that I defend my posits here for a moment. I love Drex. I love customizable characters. And no one does conversation trees like Bioware. But Mass Effect didn’t deliver the goods. I read the Codex from end to end as well as every planet’s description. But it didn’t amount to much because nothing you absorb affects the end result of the game. (I’m talking about you, anonymous gas giant mineral planet.) I tried to explore all levels of the dialogue trees, keeping my ruby headed hotshot lesbian commander pushing all the buttons but found that the consequences felt empty in the end. The best part of the new Mass Effect 2 trailer was realizing that they’re tricking us to believe that Shepard is KIA. Which is exactly what they need to do: Start over.

Cause I sure as Hell ain’t paying sixty bucks for a crummy elevator ride again.

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