Conjugal Game Visits: From Didi Mau to Diablo II

"Mom! Jeffy is pulling that Didi Mau shit again! Make him stop!!"

For a few months, I have been promising my loyal friends/ readers a diatribe on the effects of certain pain medicines whilst playing video games. The intrinsic element behind my thesis was to explore the reward systems as doled out by each game. I found that motion sickness played a huge role in the first few weeks of my new addiction to Percocet, which was serving as the relief to my recently opened elbow. You see, on Jan. 27th, I found myself without the use of my right arm. This posed a certain inconvenience as that is my preferred arm to masturbate/game/shoot pictures and slap hookers with. Suddenly, I realized I would be trapped in front of the TV unless I could find a game that only required one hand to play. I know what you’re thinking- But “Russian Roulette” is no longer a viable form of living room entertainment according to my wife. (Deer Hunter was cool a looong time ago, folks. ) Instead, I was sequestered to my bed, hopped up on pill-sized heroin and dilligently solving the cases of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney on the DS. A friend had dropped off some sadistic games for my recovery and I quickly discovered that Phoenix Wright barely required anything other than reading to complete. That, and a total desertion of ethics and rational thought processes, but I digress…. I emjoyed it with my left hand as much as the two handed gamers before me. As I began to heal ever so slowly, I was waned from the toxic shock of Percocet into a steady diet of Vicodin, Soma and an anti-inflammatory that shred my liver into paste. This was a territory I was familiar with- Last year, I had torn a abdominal muscle while attmempting to kickbox with the wife with our trainer. I was bedridden for months while the doctors tried to find out what was wrong with my gut. They prescribed Tramadol, Darvoset, and some other horrible synthetic that kept me at bay with any game containing 3D graphics or motion. It was at that point I became addicted to Sony’s evil collectible interactive card game “Eye of Judgment.” I  attempted to return to other games within that time frame, but after throwing up for a half hour while taking on the final boss in “Shadow of the Colossus”, it became clear that my tolerance for any sort of excitement was at an all-time low. I kept that in mind as I again attempted to game while under the spell of a steady stream of Vicodin and other “healing” aids and began popping discs in every console, trying to find satisfaction. The results were abysmal. Regardless of the 360′s gamer points system or PS3′s trophies, I found very little satisfaction in finding every location in Fallout 3, or completing most of GTA IV. Even FFXII gave me a headache. I just couldn’t find anything that gave me the simple pleasure of looting and levelling like a small game from my past. But I couldn’t go back to 1999, could I? My PC days have given way to my Mac Pro, and God knows no games have ever been ported to that behemoth. Or so I was led to believe until I read that Diablo 3 would be available on Mac and PC. Wait, what?!?

"Oops...I did it again."

It was from that moment last winter that a wonderful sense of purpose began infecting the back of my medulla with such conviction that I began exasperating that every game was crap and I just couldn’t enjoy it. After a little google search, I was keen to find out that my favorite game on the PC was available for my Mac, and by digital download, nonetheless. I looked over my shoulder for about three months, seeking the opportunity when my wife wouldn’t discover I was buying a game made by those “World of Warcraft” home wreckers and finally last week, purchased what I believe to be the most rewarding game of all time: Diablo II.

It’s a simple principle that keeps me coming back to Diablo II. Its called “map radomization” and its something that no one cares to write the algorithims for anymore. Granted it will resurface in the rainbow colored Diablo 3, but from then until now, no one has accomplished this feat of keeping the players invigorated and invested in a dungeon video game for so long. The gameplay is so simple and fluid that it’s near impossible not to understand why this game has lasted as long as Starcraft. The mere notion that there is endless amounts of rare loot and gear combinations available with Runes, gems and jewels keeps me coming back. This reinforces my belief that by creating collectibles and rare randomized items in a game are the key to virtual longevity. Encountering a new mini-boss everytime you venture outside the village is as exciting as it is thrilling. Especially when you link up with other players and watch the difficulty ramp itself up so high that the game feels fresh yet again. Granted, I have never played World of Warcraft and never will. I am happily married and proactive in my career and plan on keeping that way- but I do know that the dungeons aren’t randomized nor does it play as simply as Diablo II. And for a guy that’s hopped up on Vicodin and THC, that’s very important. For as these drugs begin to take hold, its important that I don’t have to make too much of an effort and that I am amply rewarded. It’s clear I could blow the makers at Blizzard all night, but instead I need to feed my inner Demon and go a looting.

Next Month: Fellow writers from GamesareEvil and I will explore the innerparty system of Diablo 2 and argue in-game if it still is the GREATEST RPG of all time.